I smiled at him whilst the rain came down and soaked us. His fingers brushed my cheek and I knew that this was what I always wanted. He told me he loved me and we kissed. The moment was perfect. Too perfect for words to do it justice. |
Author's Comments
I've had this poem for a few months...I hadn't gotten around to posting it until now.
Originally I had it all written out in a single block of text. But I figured the last few lines needed to be separated just for pausing...and for effect, essentially. I had trouble with the lines "He told me/he loved me" -L- 'Cause this is a man I am very much in love with...so I wrestled with the idea of having a line of present tense amidst the past tense ["He told me/he loves me"], or having it in first person past tense, or first person present tense... Originally I had "I told him/I loved him", but I changed it last minute... -is so insecure- now I have this quid about those lines!!! If ya notice, I only have three words per verse, except for the last few lines...Perfection cannot be tied down by a set pattern? -smiles- This poem makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Personal fave, gotta say. Anyways...Thoughts? |
Details
August 17, 2004
451 bytes 76.0 KB 420×265 Statistics
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Comments
is cute.
--
i am against capital letters.
i'd say, that the 3 word line structure is a little abtract. i have to say i didn't pick up on that. course, i've never pulled poetry apart much either, lol. i figure most people write because they have something to say.
i think the 3 words per line is a little abstract though. i didn't pick up on that. though, i don't generally pick poetry apart, because i figure most people write because they have something to say, something to express.
when we have a moment like that, i think we feel very much that moment. i don't think most people go into it falsely. so i think it'd be appropriate to do this, for example, with that line:
He loved me with a kiss.
or something like that. not too wordy, i think it's what you've wanted to capture, and it's true to the moment.
just a thought, and a suggestion.
I see what you mean about that line, it needs something to stand out -laughs- I'll work on it -nod nod-
--
Death slowly creeps up behind you....
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